The First Cycle of Attempts

Hello everyone, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls—let’s move forward in this journey and dive into the first cycle of attempts.

We’ve all heard that life comes in circles. For me, it really felt like that. The whole thing started again. Final year of college. People around me were busy with placements, companies, packages… and then there was me. Preparing for an exam that has taken everything from me, drained me, yet somehow made me into the person I am today.

Sometimes I sit and think—what would my life have been like if I hadn’t chosen this? If I had just taken the easy road, sat for placements, maybe earned a good package, and settled. Perhaps life would’ve been smooth. But no, I chose this. And yes, people will argue that every job is difficult in its own way, and I agree. But for me, this feels harder. Demanding. Relentless.

So I made a decision. My first attempt would be the serious one. I would give it everything. I joined a well-known coaching institute, decided placements weren’t for me, and cut myself off from distractions. Even my friends. They would call, ask me to come out, and spend some time with them. I made excuses. Sat back at home. Told myself—this is the sacrifice.

At first, it worked. The first few mocks showed progress. I started believing maybe I can do this. Then I got an internship at MeitY, Delhi. And that’s where my old enemy came back—laziness. Procrastination. I started skipping classes, blaming internet issues. One class missed, then another, and soon the pile of backlogs was staring right at me.

This blog is not about glorifying success or crying over failures. It’s about the gray areas. The in-betweens.

I went to Shimla, thinking a change of place would help. Packed my books, told myself I’d cover everything there. I did study… a little. But the gap remained. Came back to college, thought my friends would push me back to track. For a few days, I went to the library, 3–4 days max, then again stopped.

Then came AFCAT, 23rd August 2024. Prepped for it in bits and pieces. But honestly, I wasn’t fully ready. I had panic attacks, random breakdowns, and anxiety at its peak. Felt demotivated. But again, friends pulled me through. I gave the paper—attempted 58 out of 100. Not perfect, but at least something. Result awaited.

Just when I thought I’d focus on CDS, life had other plans. 26th August—a call from my NCC unit. ATC camp. No choice. Packed up and left. Ten days at camp drained every ounce of energy. Day after day filled with activities, no time for CDS prep. Camp ended 4on th September, and the very next day, I was lying in bed with a high fever. Couldn’t even sit straight. For five days, fever pinned me down. Only on 10th September did I start to feel human again.

And now here we are. CDS. 14th September 2025. The attempt I had waited for four years. The big one. The moment I thought I would prove myself. And here I sit, at 0412 hrs, 12th September 2025, wide awake, unable to sleep. Thoughts crashing over me—I’ve wasted it. I’ve wasted my golden chance.

This attempt of CDS is gone. My friends and close ones keep telling me to study hard and give it my all, but somewhere inside I can already see the result of this attempt written in front of me. It hurts to admit it, but that’s the truth running through my head right now.

It’s like an ocean inside my head. I don’t know how to shut it off. Everyone else is living, laughing, enjoying. And me? Struggling. Failing. Breaking. Have you ever felt that? If yes, maybe you’re like me.

People will say, “Don’t overthink. Focus on the next one.” And I agree, that’s the right thing to say. But let’s be real—overthinking doesn’t stop with advice. The brain doesn’t just switch off.

Still… I know it won’t always stay this way. Things can’t get worse from here. Results will come. Maybe SSC Navy (Tech), maybe ICGCAT’27 exam on 18th September, maybe AFCAT. Something will click. Kuch na kuch toh acha hoga hi.

For now, this is where I stand. Broken a little, confused a lot, but still moving. This blog isn’t to inspire—it’s just to speak what I feel in this journey, but I can’t always say out loud.

See you at the next one.